Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
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Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.