THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
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Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
So sick of all these stupid rules
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Print is alive and well!!!