Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
You Might Also Like
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
I’m Sold!
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Best spot.. 😅
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)