All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
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My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.