THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
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me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.