Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
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I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Mornin
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Welcome to the stomach
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?