Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
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Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
rolls sleeve
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.