Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
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families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
thank god
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.