Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
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Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.