Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
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She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
⛄️
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.