Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
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Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes