Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
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Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE