Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
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The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]