“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
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I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Alexa: *deep breath*
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*