Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
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This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.