Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
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Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
My Guy
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
I am yelling
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for