I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
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Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.