Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
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The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
We have a winner.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?