THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
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Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.