[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
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Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I’m Sold!
Plant care tips
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed