[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
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Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Me too 😆
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Good boy 😂😂
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce