Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
You Might Also Like
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT