Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
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What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.