one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
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Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?