Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
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All generalizations are stupid.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
catch me on valentine’s day like
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.