therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
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What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
i now pronounce you bounced.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.