Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
You Might Also Like
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
What the hell happened in there??
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Super Hand Dog Face
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.