Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
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Godspeed, John Glenn
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Name this drama.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.