Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
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My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.