Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
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“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself