Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
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that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.