Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
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ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I think my mom just blocked me
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart