Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
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The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.