Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
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And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.