Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
You Might Also Like
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.