Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
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Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Great game to play with friends
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?