THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
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Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
favorite tropes as memes
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Your honor these allegations are
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
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