[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
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I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Ironic
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
forgive me baja for i have blast
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant