THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
You Might Also Like
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
me as a parent
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?