THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
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cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
The Book. The Movie.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.