Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
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Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.