Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
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I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.