Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
You Might Also Like
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.