*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
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I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.