Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
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I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Incredible customer service.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
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I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream