This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
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Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Need this in my life lol
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”