[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
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Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today