Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
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Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
when revenge coincides with naptime
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.