There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
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They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
is it earth
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Do not levitate over flowers
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.