Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
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One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.